With us Mormons being in the limelight so often these days I
keep reading interesting articles about our church. I read one yesterday from
an ex-Mormon who actually voiced some similar concerns to mine. I felt sorry
for her because she had many of the same questions I have had, yet rather than
anyone coming to her aid to help her in her doubtings it seemed as though she
was told she should not ask questions.
This is not a fair picture of our beliefs. Doubt is not a
bad thing, as long as it leads to genuine seeking of truth. If you think about
it, the whole restoration of the church started with doubt. Joseph Smith doubted
the truthfulness of the churches he attended, therefore asked questions and
sought God to see what was true. Anyone who says we are a church that does not
encourage thinking for oneself is wrong.
But that is not what I want to write about today. I want to
write about polygamy. It seems like it is a subject too often talked about by everyone outside the church and barely touched on with in the church. When I had so many questions I could not find much on it. This post is geared to any other members who may have questions on this subject matter. If anyone does have questions as I did, hopefully this will help.
Growing up I remember leaning about it and being kind of
weirded out, but glad we didn’t do it anymore. I was told that the reason it
happened was to “raise up seed” in the church and to take care of the many
women who were husbandless because of the persecutions the early Mormons faced.
These explanations made sense and I didn’t think much about it…
Until I got married. Polygamy took on a whole new meaning
once I was married. It all started when I allowed myself to watch part of “Sister
wives.” I’m the type of person that when I watch a show or read a book I put
myself in it and think “what if that were me?” Well the more I thought about it,
the sicker I got. The idea of sharing my
husband was absolutely horrifying to me. HORRIFYING. (It still is horrifying to
think that). I started thinking day and night about it. Then I remembered I had
heard from guys at BYU that living the law of polygamy would be required to
enter the Celestial Kingdom. I tried to do my own study on it but from
everything I could see it seemed like that was true. It’s an understatement to
say I was very, very disturbed.
I remember the more I thought about it, the angrier with God
I got. I remember asking him “Why do you
hate your daughters? Why would you do this do us?” I cried day and night about
it. I remember driving to work one day balling my eyes out, basically yelling
at God (not something I would recommend) trying to tell Him how horrible I felt
and how I could never do that and did he understand how it felt? Of course He
doesn’t. He’s a male. I have never been so distraught and angry at God in my
life. I hated the idea that in the next life I would share my husband and be
happy about it. To me it was no different than the terrorist belief that if you
are a male terrorist and you die then you get 72 virgins, but if you are a
female terrorist and you die you get to BE one of the virgins and your jealousy
will be taken away. How is that motivating?
It’s not motivating. As I thought these things I decided I
just didn’t want to make it to the celestial kingdom any more. If I had to
share my husband, no thanks I rather settle for a different kingdom. How is
that heaven?
It bugged me too because of course this doctrine doesn’t
bother men. The idea of more than one wife is appealing to many. It seemed so
biased to me. So unfair. So focused on men and what they want and women just
have to suffer.
All these thoughts kept tumbling around in my head. I kept
having mini break downs I was worrying so much about it. It made me want to
distance myself from God, because He seemed so unfair to me, and my husband,
because I might have to share him one day.
Finally I went to my dad. I was so afraid he would think I
was apostate or something for thinking all these things and getting so mad at
God. But of course he didn’t and was glad I was asking questions. He lovingly
helped me understand this delicate subject. He said he understood how I felt
because he had had similar questions to
mine. He helped me see in a better light this principle I had been seeing
through a murky, worldly glass.
The first thing he taught me is that “things are never quiet
as they appear to the human senses”. We have finite minds. We cannot understand
everything. I think of when Christ tells his disciples in the New Testament
about drinking his blood and eating His flesh, and after that many people
stopped following him. I’m sure they probably thought “Whoa, okay now this is
getting a little weird. I’m outta here.” (Something like that). But they did
not understand the deeper meaning. When you just look at the surface, things
may seem weird, or biased, or unfair. But there is more to it that requires
help from on high to understand, if we are willing.
Also, what the world
sees polygamy as is corrupted. For example, in Sister Wives, the husband falls
in love with woman after woman while he is married. That is adultery. When the prophets took more
than one wife, it was not because they fell in love with someone else, or
lusted after someone else. The wives were assigned by God. God was in
charge. It was NOT that Joseph Smith
went around looking for women to add to is harem as the world would make it
seem. He fell in love with Emma, she was his wife. The other women were ones
that God told him to take under his wing. He was not having affairs with these
women, he did not fall in love with them or lust after them and then marry
them. God is the one in charge of it.
These things helped clear my mind up a bit on the matter but
I still had questions. In return he sent me the following principles that
helped me be at peace with the doctrine:
Principle One: “the Sandra Principle”
When my sister was a baby she had to have her lungs x-rayed.
They had to strap her down to a chair. She cried and cried and looked at my dad
like “Why don’t you stop them?” What she didn’t understand is that this
procedure was to make sure she was okay, it was for her own health and perhaps
even her life. My dad couldn’t explain that to her, she was a baby she wouldn’t
understand. But it was for the best. God sometimes has to let these seemingly “bad”
things happen because they are actually for a greater purpose that our finite
minds cannot understand. Sometimes we just have to accept that understanding
will come in time.
Principle two: Plural Marriage is the exception, not the
rule
This was probably the most relieving principle for me.
PLURAL MARRIAGE IS NOT THE RULE. I will not be required to live plural marriage
to enter the Celestial Kingdom. What a
relief!!!!! In all the standard works
and the proclamation on the family the rule is: one man, one woman. That is the
basic doctrine. If needed God will command otherwise, as he has, but the basic
rule is that there should be one woman and one man as husband and wife. Even in
the times the Lord did command it, it was a very small select portion of the
people. That was such a relief. Even typing it now makes me feel relieved
again. For now I can find peace in knowing that it is highly unlikely that I
will be asked to live this principle in the eternities. (Phew.)
Principle Three: Plural Marriage is based on agency
We all have our choices. He cannot force the exact amount of
men and women to make it to the celestial kingdom. It is likely that there will
be more of one gender than the other, and likely there will be more women than
men. Then how would it be fair for those
women who never married but lived perfectly wonderful lives to come to the
celestial kingdom alone? God had to make away so that everyone will be able to
have a spouse, an eternal companion. So this may require some men to have more
than one spouse. Also, if by some chance there are more men than women, I’m
sure God will work something out so that each man has a spouse too. Either way,
God cannot force the perfect amount of people to make it, so assuming there
will be some more than other and wanting to bless all with an eternal companion, plural marriage must happen in some cases.
Principle Four: Plural marriage is based on true charitable
love, not lust
I was so skewed in my thinking because it is hard to think
clearly in a world so full of lust. But lust has no place in plural marriage.
This part I am going quote my dad exactly because he puts it so beautifully:
“While it is hard for me to
conceive in this carnal world, of such charity, I know that in the heavens, it
will be only love, tender, pure, holy love, that will motivate the
implementation of this principle where required. This is how I see it as
an extension of principle three. So there we have Sister A, standing
before her loving Father, anxiously wondering what provision has been made for
her. Sister B has just been sealed to a man of great love and tenderness,
who sees Sister A and whose heart aches for her. I see her then looking
at her husband and as one, who knows PEFECTLY the fears and feelings, hopes and
aspirations coursing through Sister A, says to her husband, can we not love her
too. Thus Christ-like love of husband, and Christ like love of wife, combine to
afford that opportunity to a Sister in need. Lust plays no part in the
decision, in fact, it is only sacrificial love. The wife sacrificing her
selfishness to bless her sister, the husband knowing how hard it will be for
his wife to allow another in, and desiring not to hurt her in anyway, yet
consenting for love of God and the love for the woman in need. I honestly
believe that such a scenario is what informs the law of first wife consent,
which was implemented among those who lived the law on this earth.”
It is all about love. About taking the broken sister under
your wing. About the wife making that decision and taking it to her husband,
rather than a husband looking around for another woman to add to his harem.
Principle Five: Plural
marriage is based on sacrifice not reward.
Any man who wants to live plural marriage will not be
commanded to live it and probably will not be worthy for the celestial kingdom.
Plural marriage is not God rewarding his sons. The idea I had about our beliefs
being compared to the suicide bombers’ belief is false because in their case it
is considered a reward. If it is a reward then that demeans women to being
objectified as if we were some prize to be won, which is not what God wants and
is not what God sees us as. Those who
were asked to do it saw it NOT as something desirable (in fact Brigham Young
said he never before desired the grave until then). Those who would look
forward to living plural marriage are not men of God, but are filled with lust.
It is a sacrifice, not a reward.
Lastly, Heavenly Father knows each of his children perfectly.
He knows who can and cannot handle certain sacrifices. He will not ask us to if
we cannot. He wants us to be supremely happy and will not ask us to do anything
that will cause us to not reach that state of supreme happiness in the long
run.
As my sweet husband said when I confided in him my troubled
heart, I don’t need to worry about what heaven will be like. It will be
wonderful and I will be happy. That is what Heavenly Father wants for us, more
than anything. And I truly believe that
now.
Though this was a long hard road for me I am so grateful I
had these questions and doubts. If I hadn’t of had these questions I would have
never asked, and never learned. I still
don’t understand everything, but I know if I keep asking and searching I will
learn.
